It's getting better. :)

This weekend I had the opportunity to work at a Christian camp teaching 1st and 2nd grade. Looking back on the weekend, I had such a good time! The staff was great, my teaching partner was incredible, and I really liked giving up my time and comfort to help others experience God's love. The ironic thing is that even though I didn't participate as a camper, I find myself desiring God so much right now. It's so cool that this has happened,  the weekend went by so fast I and remember feeling disappointed that I hadn't had much time with God, but now I'm searching for him and what makes me smile the most is that I've realized he never left.

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart.

But it is the other way about - he is looking for us.

-Simon Tugwell 

Jesus, you have carried me.

Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.

Romans 3:22-24

Times - Tenth Avenue North

I know I need you.
I need to love you.
I love to see you, but its been so long.
I long to feel you.
I feel this need for you
and I need to hear you
is that so wrong?
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Now you pull me near you
when we're close I fear you
still I'm afraid to tell you
all that I've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending
what I've become
what have I become?

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I hear you say

"my love is over, its underneath,

its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me,

when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken,

the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion

and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow

under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love I will keep you by my power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends.

Jaded

Today I realized something about love and loss that completely struck me. In one of the readings for school, a certain author was writing on Love and Mourning. He stated that “mourning is the process of adapting to the losses of our life.” I instantly connected to this article because I am deep within this process, so I read on with anticipation. The reading was mainly about the way we mourn with the death of people we love, but the author stated that we may mourn in a similar fashion with the coming apart of a significant relationship. As I continued to read I realized that with breakups we do mourn the same way we mourn a death: shock, grief, anger, idealization, etc. The only dreadful difference between the death of a person and the death of a relationship is that with a breakup the person you’re grieving over hasn’t actually died. You’re separated from them, but not by a gravestone, by someone’s choice. The relationship has died but the person continues living. It’s so haunting.  You see them pass by, and it feels almost like a ghost; so tangible, yet elusive and uncanny. Something you once knew so well is now unfamiliar.

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This reading did offer hope, however. George Pollock said that “mourning can lead to creative change.” I would love some creative change in my life! The final stage is referred to as the “completion” of mourning. We gain our hopefulness, energy, and stability back and although it is difficult and strenuous, we adapt and recover our ability to invest in life. I slowly feel this happening, I hope it continues. I love seeing the bright side of things.

I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen to far to love

Yesterday I bought Tenth Avenue North’s new album hoping that it would help me understand healing and redemption better. Realizing that I’m not who I was is so difficult. I love God, but sometimes I doubt if he’s healing me. Right now I feel so broken, like I’m just struggling through life alone. I don’t feel him with me, I can’t see him working. It seems like I’m on this journey alone. That may sound somewhat dismal, but I want to be honest about what I’m experiencing. I really hope that this struggle, this battle, will somehow bring me closer to God than I’ve ever been before. For now, I’m searching, waiting, and trusting. I’m so thankful for this video. I truly believe that God cares right down to the last detail, and I’m pretty sure he knew my life needed this detail to reassure me that I am his beloved.

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It might take time, but I will live remade.
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You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

You've been remade.

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?

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I’ve been really worried about my identity lately.

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I know it’s impossible to articulate who I am, but I’m really afraid of other’s projections on me. I keep envisioning myself as a white piece of paper and everyone is trying to tell me what color I should be, when all I really want is to stay white. Or at least have time to choose my own colors. I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do, or who to be.
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So much of what I’m experiencing is confusing enough, and then the added opinions and advice throw my mind into a whirlwind.

I’m exhausted trying to figure out what I think.
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I’m still just trying to figure out who I am without him.

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You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you.

Sweet Surprises

He is jealous for me.

Psalm 6

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I so admire David's honesty.

This may sound a little extreme, but I value honesty,

and honestly, I feel this way tonight.

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Psalm 6

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Please, God, no more yelling,

no more trips to the woodshed.

Treat me nice for a change;

I'm so starved for affection.

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Can't you see I'm black and blue,

beat up badly in bones and soul?

God, how long with it take

for you to let up?

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Break in, God, and break up this fight;

if you love me at all, get me out of here.

I'm no good to you dead, am I?

I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!

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I'm tired of all this - so tired.

My bed has been floating for 40 days and nights

on the flood of my tears.

My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.

The sockets of my eyes are black holes;

nearly blind, I squint and grope.

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Get out of here, you Devil's crew:

at last God has heard my sobs.

My requests have all been granted,

my prayers answered.

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Cowards, my enemies disappear.

Disgraced, they turn tail and run.

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