December 15, 2010

I wrote this in December, but I was hesitant to post it because I didn't like admitting that healing involves lows sometimes. I think it's important to acknowledge my feelings though, honesty is priceless...

I’m tired of changing songs on the radio that remind me of him

I’m tired of convincing myself to keep going

I’m tired of driving to get away from the pain

I’m tired of hoping for something to change

I’m tired of recalling my favorite memories

I’m tired of reliving the worst ones

I’m tired of fighting this battle

I’m tired of seeing things that remind me of him

I’m tired of hurting

I’m tired of looking out the window and feeling so disappointed

I’m tired of hoping to run into him

I’m tired of wanting to move on but feeling stationary

I’m tired of leaning on people for strength

I’m tired of feeling so confused about God’s plans

I’m tired of looking for encouraging songs to keep me going

I’m tired of knowing it wasn’t healthy

I’m tired of wanting it all back

“I don’t know how to rest in you, Jesus. When I try to reach out for you, all I see are the outstretched arms of my old lovers waving, demanding, and enticing me back to them. All I can hear is the clatter of their voices. Where are you in all this confusion?

Jesus, I don’t know how to heal myself of this anxiety I don’t even clearly understand it. but I will not anesthetize it with other lovers. I cling to you and trust in your healing.”

-The Sacred Romance